I know for a fact that life is a bitch. She has fucked me times and times again, enough for me to sink it in my brain. Life is a bitch. When you think you are building and growing, and doing something meaningful for yourself and yours... She is just waiting in the corner to rape you to blood!
I sometimes wish I was blessed with the "will to ignore", instead of this thirst of knowledge for all things knowledgeable.
"The more you know, the less you feel...", the song says. Is it really the way it works?
"The more you know, the less you feel...", the song says. Is it really the way it works?
I have been taught to avoid building expectations on people, situations, human relations. Our instincts of survival surpass anything our imagination can conceive, and it's only when we are drawn to deal with them we fully understand to which extent WE ARE NOT MASTERS OF OURSELVES.
I have my share of contradictions, of wrongful doings, of bad reactions. I express too much, too strongly (for most) the way I feel, the way I think. But after being so much aware of "the ways of the humans", starting with myself as a subject of study, it is impossible for me to act candid, as if I could trust blindly. I don't even trust MYSELF that way (I did, and have deceived/ surprised/ shocked/ scared myself in a few occasions). At least I have the advantage of having seen face to face the worst of me, and how I can act and react in a very extreme situation. I do not recommend for any and everyone to touch rock bottom like I once did, though.
Funny thing is, our society is organised for our survival instinct to remain asleep. Only extreme situations, who call for extreme measures, can nowadays contribute to exposing the real Nature of mankind. But when it does get exposed, what a spectacle it is! We are naturally drawn to limit risks for our own good, even if it means putting others at risk. We dare not put ourselves in jeopardy for an idea, for a principle. Unless others do it, then we can join in without having to assume it. The PACK EFFECT...
I do, nonetheless, every once in a while, put my trust in people. I cannot live in total cynicism and denial of my own wants and needs. So I chose carefully. I measure the impact of each step towards a stage of vulnerability I will achieve, in the very action of opening up my heart and soul. I want to believe that I can do better, that others can do better. I am flawed, and eventually, it ends up showing. But I have the will to improve, to surpass myself, and am fully capable of such, if I put myself in the right conditions. But it helps to be helped. It helps to feel someone is taking those same risks as me. It helps knowing that, when I open up, I am not a mere option, but a priority for the persons I open up to. Because I make them a priority for me. And though I sometimes fail to convey that, I have made immense efforts through the years to make it quite evident for those I love.
I should have known better. I should have learnt to expect nothing from no one. But I am a romantic, an idealist, a fool. I advance in life without an emotional plan B. I place all my chips in the ones I love, and sometimes it scares the hell out of me. I have lost. I have dealt with the loss. If necessary, would be strong enough to deal with it again. This I know for a fact. But I do not want to. It takes a lot of energy to be positive, not so much to smash what has been built. And I hope it's just skeptical me fearing the worse (as life has taught me), but it feels like storm is coming once again. I only wish those I stand by and who REALLY stand by me will prevail through the ordeal.
Life is not easy. It never was supposed to be. We are born, we die. In between, we try to make some sense out of it. That's where I stand. Today and until the end.
