"if you love her, fight for her!"

"Oh! You're not together anymore? What happened? you were such a cute couple! Is it because of the distance? Was it you who screwed up (seems implied, don't ask me why!...)? Are you OK?"

Fucked up thing about break ups is that not everybody hears about it at the same time. So those who haven't heard from you in a long time tend to ask about your "better half", not knowing she is no longer yours... And there you go on that "it was rough but I'm ok, we're getting along fine and moving on with our lives" talk, even though it might not be true. To stop answering uncomfortable questions, you end up being the one comforting your friend who just heard about it and is "devastated by the news"! Did you say ironic?!? Bizarre?!? :-| (shitfaced smiley...)

After the shock comes the wise advice of the friend who's been through it all, who's seen it all, and knows how it's going to work out, even though they have no idea about what really happened.

"I am sure she still loves you. She's just hurt. Give her some time, then win back her heart. If you love her, FIGHT FOR HER!"

Of course she still loves me, STUPID!(doesn't she?) She probably always will, like I will, but certainly never will AGAIN like she did before... In a way that would make it possible for us to be together again! It is one thing to fuck up with foolish little things, a "little" cheat or something of the kind. One totally different one is to hit and hurt the core of what should make and allow a couple to be together no matter what: TRUST! When you love and are loved (or so it is said), you want to be able to TRUST that person. Beyond fidelity, you should be able to expect LOYALTY. To bring deception into a relationship in which you are so highly regarded can be a fatal shot at the heart. That's just the way it is. Act in a noble manner, a noble behaviour will be expected from you. At all times. No space for low pitiful doubts and frustrations. "I would've expected it from anyone, but not from you!" Sounds unfair, but that's just the way the game is played. Make no mistake, or it might be your last...

To know that person has a similar goal for your relationship, and despite the pros and cons, the hard times that sometimes shake the good times for a minute, you want to know that he/she will be THERE. Just like you will. Being there doesn't mean never doubting... NO! We are human, subject to so many changing factors, that doubting actually comes out as healthy, if it allows you to reinforce your certainty about your feelings and goals. But doubting WILL occur. In different occasions, in different manners. Doubting the other. Doubting yourself. Fearing detachment. In those moments, you need to be reminded of the why you are in that relationship in the first place. He/she is not perfect. No one walking on God's (?) green earth is. But it's the one you love. The one you care for. The one you feel cares for you. Despite the ups and downs, the expressing it or not. You need to trust yourself and the other, even when the whole world is crumbling down. Once you give or receive signs that it ain't so, there is two solutions: fight or run. If you run once, you will ALWAYS run. The fighting to preserve the love needs to take place while it's not too late yet; when you haven't RAN yet!

OK. So now your friend is telling you "there's always something you can do..." There is. Depending on who you were in a relationship with. And with some people, the best thing to do is to let go. Once you started, even if it was your biggest mistake, the one move out of fear that you will regret for as long as you breathe, you have to LET GO. I am having a terrible time letting go. Every picture, every kiss, every moment spent together, every song shared, every late night conversation, every crazy sex moment... Every smell, sound and landscape reminds me of how good we had it together. I enjoyed sincerely every second of it, despite the fights, the arguments, the misunderstandings every now and then...

So yes, I have to let go. I have to move on with my life, as she is doing with hers. I have to hold the good times inside me like a precious treasure, forgive myself and her for the bad ones, stop beating myself for the foolish way it ended, the even foolisher things I did to try to get her back, when all she needed was space... Was it meant to be? Nothing is meant to be. Things are the amount of work we put into them. If a relationship ends, don't tell me it's destiny. It ended because we didn't put enough sweat and trust in it, we didn't chase the ghosts from the past far enough to make it work. No relationship is "meant to be"; all relationships are "meant to be".

So here I am, not holding it in anymore, trying to expell all this suffering once and for all, trying to get rid of the guilt for not being able to make it work, trying to be thankful for the time we had and not resentful for the time we won't have... And I don't know about you, but I am having a hell of a hard time doing it! But I will, eventually. That's the cycle of life. Wishful thinking makes me hope we someday have another try at doing it right, in this lifetime or another, but most likely we won't. We'll live what we're supposed to, and one day, when settled and happy, we will maybe every once and a while look back and wonder "what if? what if we had never break up? what if it was you instead of ...?"

I cannot read the future. I tried before, fucked it up big time! But I can tell what I want for mine. I want to be happy. I want to achieve what India Aarie calls "the utter simplicity" which she defines as "simply making peace with my complexity". No matter what, just know that you helped. You were an important step in my journey. You made me happy. You made me foresee this simplicity I am so desperately seeking. You helped ease my fears a little, soothe my soul a little... would we have had more time, you probably would have continued. Little by little. But I thank you for the little big things you did for me. I thank you for the sincere love and caring and listening and pushing and encouraging and being by my side. I thank you for making me see a kind of beauty I don't see inside every human being I meet. I thank you for opening up a bit of your life, your heart, to me. It didn't go wasted. I will forever cherish it. And know that no matter what, there will always be two T's. in my heart...

Farewell,

Love you,

R.

"Maybe we'll live and learn

Maybe we'll crash and burn

Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave

Maybe you'll return

Maybe another fight

Maybe we won't survive

Maybe we'll grow, we never know

Baby you and I

We're just ordinary people...

We don't know which way to go

Cause we're ordinary people

Maybe we should take it slow

Take... it... slow... oh oh ohhhh

This time we'll take it slow"

John Legend, Ordinary People